Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I need moral support for this bender
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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