So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
