It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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