can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
