In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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