my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
