My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
bring money and cleavage
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
