Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Floor bacon is actually really good
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