Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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