I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
