apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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