i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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