i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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