mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
there is glitter all over my balls
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
