Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
