i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
