i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
