Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
