I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
