HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
