From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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