Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
