He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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