her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
