I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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