Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
