he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
