Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
