k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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