I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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