Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
