I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
