dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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