I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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