I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
