Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
