I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
