Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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