Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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