I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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