The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
