im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
