mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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