I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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