Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
