i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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