Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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