Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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