Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I could make wine with my vomit
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You left your phone here
Wait...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
