just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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