I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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