I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
