So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
