I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Randomize
