did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
