New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
