I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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