I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The best revenge is premature balding
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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