Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
