I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
