I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Mom said you looked used
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
