WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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